Wake me up when September ends

Or should I say January???? September of last year sucked and began the four months of hell that ended with Al's death in January.

I have been off of work for 5 weeks now and am going back next week. I think. I pretty much freaked myself out about it yesterday and cried most of the day because I really really really hated the new job responsibilities that got assigned to us. Nothing has changed according to my coworker and that just really concerns me. I just dont want to go back to work and feel even more overwhelmed than before.

But tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Al's last surgery. The day that we found out he wasnt going to make it. I never dreamed he would be gone 4 short months later. I have been re-living that day alot lately and thinking of how awful it was to be in that little room with the doctor and him telling us that he couldnt get the tumor out. He also told us that he had lost so much blood during the surgery that they almost lost him.

And the end of September is when he went back into the hospital and then almost died again after the doctor tried to examine him and he bled out. That was a day I will never forget. He was in the ICU and Dr Hunt had gone in to examine him and when he did, he started bleeding rectally and they had to shove gauze in the area to stop the bleeding. We had thought he was okay but then they called our names over the intercom and we had to go back to the ICU and we knew it wasnt good. I remember being in the hallway with Darel and just sobbing and he was holding me. I remember being in that room of the ICU wiating room and the chaplain tried to help but I kept saying that Will was on his way over. After that bleeding episode, he was in the ICU for a week and was unconscious most of the time. I remember posting on my parenting board that I felt as if I was watching him die. But he held on and when he woke up and I came in the room he mouthed Hi Babe I love you and I just melted. I was so glad to see him again. He was in the hospital that time for for 3 weeks and that was the beginning of the endless hospital visits. Just when we thought things were going better, he would suffer a setback and bam he would be back in the hospital.

My therapist says I need to talk about how I FELT during that time. It was awful and I dont really want to relive it but yesterday I did talk quite a bit about it and cried and cried and cried with her. It did help so I hope that I can do that more and get all this out so I can move forward.

Al's dad thinks I need to go on with life and that I am holding on to Al's memory. I know that I am but like the book says I am grieving as fast as I can. Give me a year at least and then have "the talk" with me if you still feel that way. I dont think he would want me dating someone now and shoving it in his face do you?

The words to this song are so poignant right now:

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends