Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wake me up when September ends

Or should I say January???? September of last year sucked and began the four months of hell that ended with Al's death in January.

I have been off of work for 5 weeks now and am going back next week. I think. I pretty much freaked myself out about it yesterday and cried most of the day because I really really really hated the new job responsibilities that got assigned to us. Nothing has changed according to my coworker and that just really concerns me. I just dont want to go back to work and feel even more overwhelmed than before.

But tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Al's last surgery. The day that we found out he wasnt going to make it. I never dreamed he would be gone 4 short months later. I have been re-living that day alot lately and thinking of how awful it was to be in that little room with the doctor and him telling us that he couldnt get the tumor out. He also told us that he had lost so much blood during the surgery that they almost lost him.

And the end of September is when he went back into the hospital and then almost died again after the doctor tried to examine him and he bled out. That was a day I will never forget. He was in the ICU and Dr Hunt had gone in to examine him and when he did, he started bleeding rectally and they had to shove gauze in the area to stop the bleeding. We had thought he was okay but then they called our names over the intercom and we had to go back to the ICU and we knew it wasnt good. I remember being in the hallway with Darel and just sobbing and he was holding me. I remember being in that room of the ICU wiating room and the chaplain tried to help but I kept saying that Will was on his way over. After that bleeding episode, he was in the ICU for a week and was unconscious most of the time. I remember posting on my parenting board that I felt as if I was watching him die. But he held on and when he woke up and I came in the room he mouthed Hi Babe I love you and I just melted. I was so glad to see him again. He was in the hospital that time for for 3 weeks and that was the beginning of the endless hospital visits. Just when we thought things were going better, he would suffer a setback and bam he would be back in the hospital.

My therapist says I need to talk about how I FELT during that time. It was awful and I dont really want to relive it but yesterday I did talk quite a bit about it and cried and cried and cried with her. It did help so I hope that I can do that more and get all this out so I can move forward.

Al's dad thinks I need to go on with life and that I am holding on to Al's memory. I know that I am but like the book says I am grieving as fast as I can. Give me a year at least and then have "the talk" with me if you still feel that way. I dont think he would want me dating someone now and shoving it in his face do you?

The words to this song are so poignant right now:

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Monday, July 14, 2008

Nice poem to share

And here are some pics from the golf tourney in Al's honor from this weekend:


You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cant see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he's gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want,
Smile more, Love more, Laugh more and Go On.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

It is, I believe, part of our life's work to deal with the shadow as much as it is to dance in the sunshine.

WOW read this on my bereavement site today and I love that saying. It is a nice way to put it and hopefully some of that sunshine will head its way into my heart soon. Just got back from vacation today from Patti and Lindy's house and man was it ever hard to come home to reality. While I was there, I was able to believe that maybe Al was at home waiting for me and Hayley to return. But he wasnt here when we returned. I miss him so much and still feel the need to tell him things. I took pics of the flooding in downtown Alton today and I wanted to rush home and show him. I feel so cheated for both he and I for what could have been. How could his life be over? How can he not be here to share in the experiences that life has to offer? How am *I* the person that everyone feels sorry for now and calls or emails to let me know they are still thinking of me? *I* want to be the person that does not, not be the person that is receiving those kind thoughts. I still feel as if this has happened to someone else and not my dear Al.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Now THIS is what I am going to spend my tax rebate on!

Isnt it to DIE FOR???? This is just one of those must have items that every household needs, dont you think?

Well today is another rainy day here and my mood is about as blue. I miss Al something fierce and want his arms around me to tell me that all will be okay. It certainly hasnt gotten any easier on this grief road but at least I am still hanging in there if only by a thread sometimes.

But GET THIS. I am CONTEMPLATING jumping back in to the dating scene again. I have been advised by two good counselors and friends that this might be the best thing for me. I dont want anything serious yet, just want to have some FUN you know what I mean? I worry that others will think it is too soon but hey life is short! I imagine I will try it on for size, decide I am not ready and then lay low again but that is okay. At least I will know! Life was so much easier...

Monday, June 2, 2008

Now THIS made me laugh out loud today

And I totally needed a laugh today. Today just SUCKED to say the least. I need to find a newer more appropriate word for how things have been lately than suck. It jsut doesnt have the umph that I want and I hate to throw the F word in front of it just to make a point. Anyone with any good suggestions feel free to drop me a line.

Today two people that I work with lost their jobs. This is the THIRD set of layoffs that I have been thru in the last 6 years and surviving them is good but it just wears the soul down. We knew it was coming today and they began calling us in one by one.... After MANY tears and many conversations and hugs later, I HOPE that I have stopped crying for the day. If I had a dime for every tear I have shed in the past year....

Thursday, May 29, 2008

ANOTHER blog entry for May?????

WOW 2 in one month? What has gotten in to me???? I have been encouraged by many counselors to journal and so I shall.

We are now nearing the end of May and another month will go down as a month that I have survived without my dear husband. I survived the week of Mothers Day, my anniverary and my birthday fairly well but then realized Fathers Day is just around the corner. Sigh... That and all the ads showing cute little families on their family vacations are already starting to get on my nerves.

I have been home for the past two days with Hayley because she came down with Hand Foot and Mouth disease. NO this isnt a disease for cattle (that's Hoof and Mouth thankyouverymuch) but it still just sounds dirty doesnt it? It hasnt slowed her down in the SLIGHTEST so my house is a wreck while I try to work from home but allow her to do something to entertain herself. I am hoping that tomorrow she will be better and we actually LEAVE THE HOUSE. Another sigh...

The weather here has just totally SUCKED for the past few months and I am just dying to go to the pool and swim. My parents and sister came to visit last weekend and we couldnt do anything because of all the rain. I am hoping that this weekend might bring some better weather or else this girl is going to jump off a bridge. Seriously.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

My blog entry for MAY!!!

Okay my pledge to blog more did not come to fruition again. Just cant seem to get the motivation to do anything that I dont HAVE to do anymore. Maybe someday I will be better about blogging more often.

Well my self-proclaimed hell week is finally over, whew! Mothers Day, my birthday and our wedding anniversary always fall in the same week. I knew it would be a tough week and it did start out pretty bad but ended on a good note. Last night I was able to go out and meet up with a group of St Louis widows and widowers from the YWBB. It was so nice to meet them all but so sad to hear all their stories. Some of them rocked me to the core. Two widows in particular were SO young, 25 or younger. That just is not right.

I got this beautiful gift yesterday in the mail from a mystery person. All it said was that they were thinking of me that day (our anniversary). It is a music box and brought me to tears.

In the past month, I have also made two wonderful friends who I met over the internet. We talk often and it is so nice to talk to people that truly understand.

Hayley and David continue to thrive. David has struggled with grades this semester but hoping he can pull it out here at the end. Hayley cocntinues to amaze me with her energy. Oh to have just a small piece of that.

In the past month I have also taken up walking again and lifting some weights. I had promised several people that I would do that but could never stick to it for very long. I Love the way it makes me feel so hoping I can continue that also.

Okay all for now. I love you babe and wish you the very best day in heaven.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My blog entry for APRIL!

LOL okay I got excited about the possibility of a blog about a month ago and have I done anything since? I think not. Alot has happened in the last month. Al would have turned 40 years old on April 10th and we had a big party that weekend with family and friends to celebrate. The day was a terrible day weather wise but we still had a great time. Steve and Eric came and played guitars and we all drank too much and stayed up way too late but a good time was had by all. I was so moved by all the people that came to celebrate his birthday. I hate that he wasnt here to enjoy the party but I know he was looking down and smiling from ear to ear.

I love you Al and my pledge for the next month is to blog more!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Okay trying to add some pictures here. See how this goes!

Alan and Hayley last summer. LOVE this picture. Al wanted this hottub for years and I finally caved and we got it in April.

Virgin post

Hello all. Okay this is my first brush at creating a blog and making sure to include enough memories of Al to make me feel as if I am honoring his legacy. Today is St Patrick's Day and the Easter weekend is looming as my first major holiday since Al's death. I am looking forward to seeing all the cousins and family but afraid to be there without him.